An Understanding: To Salvage Honor
by Conterra-san
Summary: A letter written by Zuko expressing the feelings he never displays. Placed right before Ba Sing Se.


Disclaimer: I do not own Zuko (although I wish I did) and I do not own any other characters from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

My name is Zuko, son of Ursa, a beautiful and caring woman, and Ozai, who may have been at one time (though I doubt it now) something vaguely human. This is my story.

I was born to a privileged life. Who am I kidding? It was more than privileged. My father happened to be an entity called the Fire Lord, and that is who he is: an entity. It has taken me a long time to realize _what_ exactly my father is. A brainwashed holder of a convoluted title with no heart and greedy, engulfing, flame-like desires.

I will not be like my father.

I don't remember my childhood. Alright, I do. But I do not want to recall the idiocy of my life there, the torturous actions of my sister, and the ruthlessness of the propaganda going on around me. I am honest. I have always been honest. I thought what I was being taught was the truth. I was wrong.

It was all lies.

My mother is the only one I want to remember, and can. She was gentle, and kind. I was her son, just as my sister was my father's daughter. She left one night, for apparently no reason, but I think I understand now. They told me the Avatar had disappeared because he knew it was time for us to conquer. They told me the other elements were naturally lower and less sufficient. They told me the Fire Nation was superior, that it was our destiny to rule the world, my destiny to rule the world.

My destiny.

I once thought that my father had a heart. I don't know how I could have been so foolish. I think it was because I kept mixing my Uncle Iroh and him up in my mind, probably hoping that one day I would wake up to find my father more like his brother.

His brother. . .

My Uncle Iroh took me into the war chamber, but it was my decision, a decision that turned my already troubled life into a waking nightmare. I was too young, I can see that now. I never knew how to hold my tongue, and I can't say I have learned. They were going to throw away men's lives deliberately, for a useless cause, and I challenged them.

They were wrong.

My father burned me, scarred me, and banished me, conveying to me by means of a servant that I could return if I found the Avatar and brought him back. I had lost both of my parents in the space of less than a year. Heartbroken, I left with my Uncle and a ship, a mere fourteen years old, the Avatar the only thing on my shattered mind.

The Avatar. . .

The object of my chase returned. But I was impatient. I tried to capture him but he alluded my every trap, or escaped them almost immediately. Even his friends alluded my traps. Were they that misplaced?

Friends.

I don't understand what friendship is, not really. I never exactly knew children my own age. I skirted the edges of palace life, my Uncle taking precious time to teach me in secret, my mother trying to protect me. Then they were gone. My Uncle came back, but my mother did not. Her abandonment confused me. Had I done something wrong? Had I unwittingly damaged the honor of my family?

My honor.

I sought to regain it by capturing the Avatar, by making my father know I was not worthless. But I now know there is no honor to be had in the Fire Nation. Its troops pillage and burn, tearing apart families and throwing them like ashes in the wind to be blown in all directions. I know what it is like to have a family torn apart. I wish I could stop it from happening to anyone else. My father's promise of returning my honor was hollow.

He had none to give.

I have finally given up on regaining the approval of my father. I am honest, he is not. I want others to be happy, he wants him to be happy. I want balance, he wants power. I want him to be struck down.

Balance.

There is just enough honor left in my convoluted, power-hungry, and brainwashed nation for me to salvage. But I do not know how to achieve my ends. I cannot show my intentions freely, I do not know how and I am now a fugitive.

Exiled.

It was better than being a fugitive. But there is nothing I can do about it. I will be the man my father is not. I will try to restore my family's lost honor. I will make my mother, the woman who left because she too understood balance and peace, proud, and the former, reasonable Fire Lords of my nation proud.

Proud.

I want to make my uncle proud too. I'm not doing such a good job so far. I'm having problems dropping my haughty, uncaring attitude. It is what was ingrained in me since the beginning. I want to be someone else, or at least have the personality of someone else. I do not want to be the heir to such an awful enterprise.

But I must.

Somehow, I will defeat my father and assume my rightful place. There is no other choice. He must fall so I can rise. My father must be stopped before he can bring more evil into this world. His throne is still mine, whether or not I choose to take what he thinks comes with it. And with me shall rise a new era, or the old era, of balance and peace.

Peace.

Can it happen? I hope so, I beg Angi that it can. But it cannot happen until my father falls. For that to happen I must accept who I must be for a time.

Li.

I do not want to hide. I want to fight. But I cannot achieve what I once wanted through "honor" and acceptance. Li must live among those afflicted by the ravagings of a maniacal megalomaniac named Ozai, a man he does not know.

A man his other half, Zuko, does not know.

There is nothing to know about Ozai. He is cruel, heartless, and incapable of love or compassion. He is not a man, he is a brainwashed creature who was born to another brainwashed creature, just as the creature before him. I do not know how my predecessors became this way, but they did.

And I am here to stop the cycle.

I am not brainwashed. I see the reality of our situation, the foolishness of my people. I will not let this continue. I will abide for a time in hiding, mourning my loss, but in time I must move past the idea of my father.

Father. . .

I am not sure I understand the meaning of the word. But I know what others think of the concept. My father does not understand being a parent very well, this I know. Burning your son's face is not in the list of top ten parenting skills, I think. I have made my decision. I denounce my father to the world, to myself, and to my people.

Denounce.

I know I have made light of my father. But truly it is hard to finally understand what kind of thing he is. The second loss of him is more painful than the first. But I am strong from the pain he pushed upon me, day after day. I will not give in, and I will make what is wrong finally right.

What is wrong.

My life was wrong. My chase of the Avatar was foolish. My personality is abrasive and not really how I am. I do not know how to change. Maybe the Avatar can help me.

Aang.

That is his name, the salvation of the world. I will help him. I must. The Fire Lord must be defeated. My father? He is dead to me. Iroh, now called Mushi, is my father now, and I am a man named Li.

Dead.

Prince Zuko is not dead. He is very much alive. But I am writing this just in case he is not alive much longer. So that maybe someday someone will find this and understand what happened to me, to my family. If I do not succeed, maybe this will help someone else to do so.

But I do not intend to fail.

I am nervous, maybe scared, but I am confident. I cannot fail. The world rests on my shoulders, and that is a frightening prospect. I wish I had not been given this task, but it is my task to perform, and I will do it to the best of my ability. I never shirked from tasks, from what I know is right, or the path laid before me, and I will not start now. I will accept this duty and begin by protecting the future. By doing what must be done.

Hiding.

I am Li, an earth nation peasant who is going to live in Ba Sing Se. I will work hard and find a small niche in that city. But when this man named Li finds the Avatar, the man called Zuko will resurface.

But not the old Zuko.

A new one. A man who can understand the implications of his actions, and the actions of his people. A man who will not seek to capture the Avatar, but who will seek acceptance. A man who will stand by the Avatar, a boy named Aang, when he faces a thing called Ozai. If the Avatar will have him. He will. He must. Aang is a forgiving person. He once asked me if we could be friends. I did not answer, except with flame. But I will now.

I think we can.

_Zuko, son of Ursa and foster son of Iroh, Rightful Lord of the Fire Nation._

_Li, son of Mushi, Future Citizen of Ba Sing Se._

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A/N: Hello all! I fixed some errors. . .Please let me know what you think! I may add an epilogue or use this as a set up for another story, so tell me! I know I may get complaints about Zuko being soft. . .no offense, but I don't care. This is supposed to be how he really feels, NOT how he EVER acts. I'm not sure he ever would have felt like this in the first place (possibly) but it is just an idea, people. I like the soft Zuko, ha ha.

Button down there :)


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